10 signs you've become a Berlin Hipster

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1. You know the new coolest place in Berlin. Neukölln is the new Kreuzberg, is the new Moabit, is the new Pankow, is the new Wedding. Berliner Hipsters have an overly unhealthy interest in identifying where the current “hottest place in Berlin” is at any one particular moment in time. Okay, maybe not identifying it but denying the claimed hottest place in Berlin as suggested by other Hipsters.

2. They’d have to pry the Tote Bag out from your cold, dead hands. You at all times carry this cloth tardis for the tardy. The only thing that wouldn’t fit in your Hipster Tote Bag is your emotional baggage.

3. You have a minimum of 7 professions. Minimum. It’s important you should claim to be able to do everything, but not actually make any money from anything. Making money would support the scheiss capitalist system. If you are not a hybrid combination of DJ, VJ, CTO, Artist, Knitter, Ruby on Rails programmer, Sound Engineer and Barista this city is not for you.

4. Du sprichst kein Deutsch! If you are German, deny all knowledge of your mother tongue. If you are foreigner sprinkle the odd word in as you might pesto on pasta. Here are a few choice Hipster Berlin Deutsch phrases:

- Scheissekuchen – “My latest haiku is total scheissekuchen.”

- Downgeloaded – “Last night I downgeloaded some epic midget porn.”

- Danke, gleichfalls – Used this often and with wanton disregard for applicability eg “Hallo Dudley.”, “Danke, gleichfalls.”

- Sprachlos – “That was when he told me he’d never heard of Banksy. I was sprachlos!”

5. You molest Wi-Fi. Once upon a time Cafes introduced wifi, to entertain people while they ate and allow them do a little work or quickly check e-mail. Then you arrived with your Macbook pro and your sleeping bag. Yeah you ordered a Mocha Latte, once, two weeks ago and still didn’t pay for, but now maybe it’s time for you to go home and stop molesting the WiFi to post dolphin clipart to your Tumblr. Other people would like to sit down, you know.

6. When cut you bleed Mate. Club Mate, bitches. Does it taste good? Sort of. Does that even matter? Absolutely not. It’s not a drink, it’s a state of mind.

7. You pick friends like you’d prepare an outfit. You Accessorise them. You ensure a balance of ethnicities and heights. That means if you are a normal, lame, pale European, you don’t seek out the company of your continents compatriots. BORING! Instead, you’d only exit your Friedrichshain Altbau-Wohnung in the company of a Pug dog named Mr Giggles and Cindi your small Asian fashion designer friend with the bitching side-swept asymmetrical bangs and mint green hot pants. Triple Berlin Hipster score if you only have friends with names that start with Z.

8. You wear oversized retro Glasses. Berlin Hipsters understand that the larger their vintage spectacles are, the higher their Hipster social ranking will be. They should not look like glasses, but giant cylindrical portals that people could walk through to a better Hipster world of the future where it rains Soya Milch and all food comes as a cupcake.

9. You are working to overthrow the system. Whether you are attending a Betahaus skills exchange or living in a eco-hippie commune in an abandoned warehouse, you and your friends are working to overthrow the system in some way. The time is coming. You can feel it in the air. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next year. But, it will happen and when it does, you’ll be there, at front of the ensuing medley wearing your Che Guevera t-shirts and serving the revolutionary comrades slices of your delicious homemade Quiche.

10. Tats. You understand there is nothing more visually offensive than a blank canvas. Surveys by actual scientists have proven that 99.6 % of all Berlin Hipsters sport a minimum of 12 tattoos. One must be tribal.

Want to become a Berlin Hipster? Check out the Hipstery’s Berlin Hipster Kit. What are we missing? Let us know in the comments.

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10 signs you’ve become a Berlin Hipster

An exclusive offer only for readers of this post. Try the Hipstery today and get 15% off with coupon code “doublevision”. Try it

Hipster Tote Bags

Berlin Hipster Approved Clothing

Assorted Hipster Nonsense

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