Hipstery Journal

10 signs you’ve become a Berlin Hipster

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1. You know the new coolest place in Berlin. Neukölln is the new Kreuzberg, is the new Moabit, is the new Pankow, is the new Wedding. Berliner Hipsters have an overly unhealthy interest in identifying where the current “hottest place in Berlin” is at any one particular moment in time. Okay, maybe not identifying it but denying the claimed hottest place in Berlin as suggested by other Hipsters.

2. They’d have to pry the Tote Bag out from your cold, dead hands. You at all times carry this cloth tardis for the tardy. The only thing that wouldn’t fit in your Hipster Tote Bag is your emotional baggage.

Hipster Tote Bags

Hipster Essentials Tote Bag

Hipster Essentials Tote Bag

8,00 €

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Ich Adde Deine Mutter.

Ich Adde Deine Mutter.

15,00 €

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Du Hast Angst Vor Hermann Platz

Du Hast Angst Vor Hermann Platz

15,00 €

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The Denglisch Tote

The Denglisch Tote

8,00 €

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A Likely Story

A Likely Story

12,00 €

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Miau Tote

Miau Tote

12,00 €

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Real Men Love Cats

Real Men Love Cats

$12.00

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3. You have a minimum of 7 professions. Minimum. It’s important you should claim to be able to do everything, but not actually make any money from anything. Making money would support the scheiss capitalist system. If you are not a hybrid combination of DJ, VJ, CTO, Artist, Knitter, Ruby on Rails programmer, Sound Engineer and Barista this city is not for you.

4. Du sprichst kein Deutsch! If you are German, deny all knowledge of your mother tongue. If you are foreigner sprinkle the odd word in as you might pesto on pasta. Here are a few choice Hipster Berlin Deutsch phrases:

- Scheissekuchen – “My latest haiku is total scheissekuchen.”
- Downgeloaded – “Last night I downgeloaded some epic midget porn.”
- Danke, gleichfalls – Used this often and with wanton disregard for applicability eg “Hallo Dudley.”, “Danke, gleichfalls.”
- Sprachlos – “That was when he told me he’d never heard of Banksy. I was sprachlos!”

5. You molest Wi-Fi. Once upon a time Cafes introduced wifi, to entertain people while they ate and allow them do a little work or quickly check e-mail. Then you arrived with your Macbook pro and your sleeping bag. Yeah you ordered a Mocha Latte, once, two weeks ago and still didn’t pay for, but now maybe it’s time for you to go home and stop molesting the WiFi to post dolphin clipart to your Tumblr. Other people would like to sit down, you know.

6. When cut you bleed Mate. Club Mate, bitches. Does it taste good? Sort of. Does that even matter? Absolutely not. It’s not a drink, it’s a state of mind.

7. You pick friends like you’d prepare an outfit. You Accessorise them. You ensure a balance of ethnicities and heights. That means if you are a normal, lame, pale European, you don’t seek out the company of your continents compatriots. BORING! Instead, you’d only exit your Friedrichshain Altbau-Wohnung in the company of a Pug dog named Mr Giggles and Cindi your small Asian fashion designer friend with the bitching side-swept asymmetrical bangs and mint green hot pants. Triple Berlin Hipster score if you only have friends with names that start with Z.

Berlin Hipster Approved Clothing

Official Barney Stinson Armani Grey Suitjamas

Official Barney Stinson Armani Grey Suitjamas

$99.95

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Cowboy Tshirt

Cowboy Tshirt

$24.95

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Giant Chicken

Giant Chicken

$110.00

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American Apparel The Disco Short Small-Caramel

American Apparel The Disco Short Small-Caramel

$52.00

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American Apparel The Disco Short Small-Caramel

American Apparel The Disco Short Small-Caramel

$28.14

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Denglisch T-shirt

Denglisch T-shirt

24,90 €

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Hipster Essentials T-shirt

Hipster Essentials T-shirt

22,90 €

More Info »

8. You wear oversized retro Glasses. Berlin Hipsters understand that the larger their vintage spectacles are, the higher their Hipster social ranking will be. They should not look like glasses, but giant cylindrical portals that people could walk through to a better Hipster world of the future where it rains Soya Milch and all food comes as a cupcake.

9. You are working to overthrow the system. Whether you are attending a Betahaus skills exchange or living in a eco-hippie commune in an abandoned warehouse, you and your friends are working to overthrow the system in some way. The time is coming. You can feel it in the air. It may not be tomorrow. It may not be next year. But, it will happen and when it does, you’ll be there, at front of the ensuing medley wearing your Che Guevera t-shirts and serving the revolutionary comrades slices of your delicious homemade Quiche.

10. Tats. You understand there is nothing more visually offensive than a blank canvas. Surveys by actual scientists have proven that 99.6 % of all Berlin Hipsters sport a minimum of 12 tattoos. One must be tribal.

Want to become a Berlin Hipster? Check out the Hipstery’s Berlin Hipster Kit. What are we missing? Let us know in the comments.

Assorted Hipster Nonsense

The Bible Flask

The Bible Flask

$20.00

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Space Hipster Food

Space Hipster Food

$19.99

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Creepy Cupcakes with your own face on

Creepy Cupcakes with your own face on

$18.50

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Cool Cat Tote

Cool Cat Tote

$12.97

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WTF LOL Stamp

WTF LOL Stamp

$12.99

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David Bowie - On Vinyl!

David Bowie - On Vinyl!

$45.99

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The Hipstery - Mystery t-shirt experience

The Hipstery - Mystery t-shirt experience

22,00 €

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Hipster Business Cards

Hipster Business Cards

$4.00

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Bill Murray Print

Bill Murray Print

$16.00

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You Doo Doll

You Doo Doll

$12.81

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Sequin Fanny Pack - Solid Colors

Sequin Fanny Pack - Solid Colors

$19.95

More Info »
Bacon Soap

Bacon Soap

$5.99

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Temp Tats

Temp Tats

5,90 €

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Moustache Cookie Cutter Set

Moustache Cookie Cutter Set

$15.00

More Info »
Ich Werde Ein Berliner; How to be a Really Hip German

Ich Werde Ein Berliner; How to be a Really Hip German

£4.64

More Info »

Winner of our earlier contest for a free Berlin Hipster kit is Stephanie Padilla-Kaltenborn. Thanks to everyone who entered!

2 Comments to 10 signs you’ve become a Berlin Hipster

  1. February 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm | Permalink

    Your forgot the food. Real Berlin Hipsters only eat hipster food, which is at least organic, vegetarian, vegan, lacose-free, gluten-free and is eaten in hipster-restaurants in Neuköln. Breakfast not before 1 pm.

  2. Happosai21's Gravatar Happosai21
    February 25, 2012 at 2:37 am | Permalink

    I live in Berlin and i score 0/10. Gottseidank -_-

  1. By on March 9, 2012 at 2:27 pm

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